I was tempted, but I didn’t do it.
Not long ago, I got an email from a publicist announcing the Amazing Kreskin had written a new book and was available for a personal prediction phone session. For those who don’t know, George Joseph Kresge is a mentalist who came to fame with a number of startling predictions, many of which were delivered on the old Johnny Carson show.
For a moment, I thought about taking him up on his offer. I wanted to call him up and not say anything.
“Can I help you?” I imagined him asking.
“I’m sorry,” I imagined myself replying. “I just assumed since you can predict the future, you already knew what I was going to ask.”
As you can probably tell, I’m not a big believer in these things. I just won’t be convinced until someone proves it to me. Of course, the joke would have been on me if Kreskin had known what questions I was going to ask (some obvious and some not). Actually, that would have made for a much bigger story and maybe gotten me on the Jay Leno show.
Instead, I made my own predictions for 2014:
• I predict a batch of new books about the 1985 Chicago Bears, a new conspiracy theory on who killed JFK, and a new collection of never-before-seen photos of Marilyn Monroe. I also predict Pope Francis will say or do something that will make Rush Limbaugh cringe while further endearing him to the rest of us, even non-Catholics.
• An actor you haven’t heard from in years, perhaps a child actor from a forgotten TV show, will announce he/she is gay. Ellen DeGeneres will have him/her on her show and praise them for how courageous they are. Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus will both do something outrageous, maybe together, that will get them so much publicity it will make Kim Kardashian wish she’d thought of it. Plus, there’ll be a new reality TV show so wacky it’ll be bigger than “Duck Dynasty” or “Honey Boo Boo” ever dreamed.
• The Cubs will win the World Series. It won’t be this year, of course, or even in my lifetime, but eventually. I also predict they’ll win when no one expects it, when there’s no expectations and subsequently no pressure. They’ll figure out the key is pitching, defense and stealing bases, sort of like the Cardinals do, not standing around waiting for someone to hit a home run, like they have the last 108 years.
• A natural disaster will devastate some part of the world; a short time later, there’ll be another one some place else, even worse. There will also be a new crisis in the Middle East, and one in Washington, in which both parties blame each other.
• By the time the November elections roll around, we’ll be inundated by candidates promising to create jobs and end the waste in Washington or Springfield or wherever they’re headed. Once safely elected, they will do neither and we won’t hear from them again until the next election.
• I’ll do something stupid and my cat will do something cute and I’ll write about both.
• Finally, I see the rich getting richer while those who are struggling continue to struggle.
In other words, 2014 will be a lot like 2013.
While I’m at it, I have a few resolutions for 2014. I’m pledging to eat more, exercise less and be nasty to everyone. Normally, it only takes me a few days to break my resolutions, which makes me miserable. Hopefully, when I break these, it’ll be a much better year for me and everyone else.
But I’m sure Mr. Kreskin already knows that.