World According to George

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By George Hawrylenko It was probably the greatest Christmas present that I ever received - a small, battery-powered airplane that was perilously tethered to a revolving control tower. Think of a heavy-duty blender motor with wings and a fiberglass propeller. Best of all, it lacked any of those new-fangled safety features that have since become the norm in toy construction. With a cruising altitude that was at just about face level, it was the only toy I ever saw that could easily turn a person’s own teeth into a choking hazard. It was certainly a Christmas to remember. As a non-parent, I have the luxury of being able to buy Christmas presents for children without having to worry about the toy’s inherent safety issues. From pogo-stilts to catapults for your lawn darts, I have always enjoyed the simple pleasures that can come from handing out inappropriate play things with the hope that the parents have enough gauze on hand to control the bleeding. As such, I thought that I would take this opportunity to outline some of 2008’s most dangerous toys, and the greedy, little ankle-biters who deserve them the most. The first novelty that should go into every Scrooge’s shopping cart has to be the 51-inch “Giga Ball” from toymaker, Kenscott Ltd. This delightful inflatable toy is designed to provide hours of fun for any disposable child on your Christmas list. Simply inflate the oversized ball, stuff it with the nearest 5-year-old, and watch as hills, rush-hour traffic and rooftops become just another source of momentum-building fun. Perfect for the most hamster-like child on your list, the Giga Ball’s sturdy, vinyl construction even makes vomit removal a snap. Next in line for the worst toy of 2008 is the latest installment from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise. Marketed as “Ninja Battle Gear,” these packaged assortments of weapons and accessories can provide your little one with everything they need to relive their favorite martial arts moments. One set (Michelangelo’s, I believe), even comes with a realistic pair of plastic nunchaku that are sure to educate your 4-year-old as to the subtleties of blunt force trauma. Turtle shell helmet and ninja neck brace are, of course, not included. Another great present to give that tyke who has everything but a glass eye comes from the Parris Manufacturing Company. The “Sportsman Shotgun” is realistic enough to make any police officer nervous, yet simple enough for a child to use. With an impressive 50-foot range, this toy is sure to be a hit with the family pet. While not as dangerous as the fabled Red Ryder BB gun, this toy can turn its durable, rubber bullets into long-distance choking hazards with just a slight pull of its patented hair trigger. Unfortunately, this fun-filled toy is prohibited in New York, New Jersey, Delaware and (sigh) Illinois. Sadly, my favorite dangerous toy has not even been on the market for more than 50 years. The “Atomic Energy Lab” put out by the A.C. Gilbert Toy Company was specifically designed with that budding, young terrorist in mind. In addition to its simple Geiger counter and Wilson cloud chamber, this handy, little kit actually came with four samples of uranium-bearing ores. Imagine the fun that you and your children could have had examining radioactive particles while exposing the whole family to the same U-238 isotope responsible for Gulf War Syndrome. Admittedly, I’m not really the Grinch that I sometimes make myself out to be. I just like pointing out that almost any toy can be potentially hazardous if given to the wrong child. From those recently-banned dive sticks to the most violent video games, adults are the last line of defense when it comes to making Christmas a safe and happy holiday for everyone. Now, let’s talk about that pony your kid wanted.

Get in touch with George by e-mailing ghawrylenko@ chroniclenewsgroup.com