World According to George

E-mail this story

Print this story

Share

By George Hawrylenko Trust me, I had nothing to do with it. It was just one of those decisions that came out of nowhere and left a bad taste in my mouth. Actually, it seems to be leaving a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths. Sure, there have been a couple of folks who have commented positively on the change, but, for the most part, everyone seems to be in agreement. Negative agreement, that is. To be honest, I can’t say as I blame them. I mean, whose idea was it to start putting a picture of me next to my byline? After all, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the shiniest lure in the tackle box. I have perpetual bags under my eyes, I make a habit of standing too far away from my razor in the morning, and years of second helpings have erased any sign of what used to be stunning cheekbones. I’m fully aware that I am hardly the Elephant Man, but I’m not exactly the kind of face that anyone wants to look at while eating their breakfast. I guess that some folks just have a face made for radio. Other people have mugs that provoke eating disorders. Truth be told, this entire “picture thing” has been a running gag around the office for quite some time now. I convinced my first editor that I couldn’t have a photo in the paper due to religious beliefs. I sold him some line about vanity being a sin and I didn’t think that it was really necessary to reproduce my face that many times every week. Yeah, I sort of lied to the guy, I suppose. In my own defense though, I never claimed that the religious beliefs I was referring to were actually my own. The next editor was a little more difficult to persuade. He tried to tell me about the value of column recognition and insisted that it would make it easier for readers to find me in the paper. I happened to be watching a lot of gangster films at the time, so I hinted at the idea that adding a photo might not be in my best interests. I wasn’t really sure if he ever believed the whole witness protection story, so I’d occasionally press my bluff by insisting that he print my obituary. Sadly, it was an offer that he would always refuse. My current editor turned out to be a different story altogether. I wasn’t sure as to what he had already heard about me, so I didn’t want to make waves with the person who could easily delete my stealthiest innuendos. Besides, he seemed like a decent enough chap and I was hoping to develop a professional working relationship with the man. I would be honest. Mature, even. The fact that he’s a big guy and actually has to duck for air traffic had absolutely nothing to do with my photographic concession. Yeah, right. Anyway, the “photo shoot” was a much more pleasant experience than I had expected. I mean, I’ve had professional photographers take my picture before, but those shots usually involved both profiles and one of those numbered placards. There’s also that naked-on-a-bearskin-rug deal that everyone seems to have in their family album. Unfortunately, my own version of that was taken after an exceptionally rambunctious college party. In any case, the picture for my column was finally taken, and I was glad to see that Photoshop was able to cover what the Visine couldn’t. Before I go, I’d like to take a moment to answer a few of the questions that I have received since that picture started running. First off, while I do look like a refugee from a Mardi Gras float, my head is not really as big as it appears in the photo. Additionally, the picture is in complete focus, I just happened to be a bit blurry that day. It’s a personal issue that has nothing to do with the snapshot itself. Finally, the reason as to why the image only shows a portion of my face is one of privacy. I mean, if you were the person writing this column, you probably wouldn’t want anyone to know what you looked like either. And to that person who said that my “best side” is an order of french fries... I can’t say that I disagree. Get in touch with George by e-mailing ghawrylenko@ chroniclenewsgroup.com