World According to George

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By George Hawrylenko Let’s just say that the kid really had a knack for getting under people’s skin. Somehow, the little rat was able to behave himself through the endless string of coming attractions, but once the feature presentation hit the screen, the child seemed to lose all control. The folks who were apparently responsible for spawning the loudmouthed rodent didn’t even feel the need to try and quiet the delinquent until prompted by the repeated shushes of everyone else in the movie theater. It’s sad to say, but I’ve seen more behaved creatures whizzing in the dry food aisle at Petco. As a rule, I generally don’t go out to see a movie. I mean, sure, I’m a huge film buff, but I’ve never appreciated the kind of atmosphere that is provided by your typical neighborhood theater. They rarely let me smoke, the chairs are always sticky, and they have this stupid rule about everyone having to wear pants while the film is in progress. Worse yet, there is always the very real danger of some rude movie-goer effectively destroying your evening’s entertainment. Truth be told, almost any multi-million dollar Hollywood blockbuster can be ruined by some creep holding an $8 ticket. Unfortunately, even with my limited movie-going experience, it has become obvious that most theaters are ill-equipped to handle such situations. After all, how many minimum wage ushers are willing to risk confrontation when it is simply easier to offer a refund to anyone who complains? To be honest with you, I can’t say that I really blame them. If a few stern looks followed by politely whispered requests for silence failed to work, I too would return to the safety of the snack bar. That being the case, I think that it is high time for the “silent majority” to come up with a solution to this problem. Admittedly, my suggestions are hardly designed to keep the peace. In fact, I’ve been told that most states have laws against the kinds of things that I am about to discuss, so I would recommend that you practice these tactics only under the cover of darkness. Be sure to take a seat away from the footlights and remember that you are providing a service to your fellow theater patrons. If captured, it would certainly be in your best interest to eat any incriminating evidence. Fortunately, all of the armament that you will need can be easily procured at any concession stand. Now, I realize that throwing popcorn at movie theater magpies is hardly a reasonable solution to the problem. After all, popcorn has no impact velocity and cannot be accurately thrown over great distances. Nonetheless, if you do prefer “soft options” when it comes to quieting these types, you’ll find that Raisinets are far more accurate than popcorn. Considering the number of rounds you get per box, Raisinets are also an economical way to seek revenge while keeping injuries at a minimum. For those of you interested in conducting a form of psychological warfare against incessant theater talkers, few over-the-counter confections can match the shock value of Gummi Worms. Granted, while some purists still maintain that Twizzlers are a more efficient means to air superiority, the shape and texture of standard issue Gummi Worm have been known to startle even the most distracting chatterbox. When used in close combat situations, like down an unsuspecting shirt, the Gummi Worm is in a class by itself. Not surprisingly, one of the most popular candies on the market is also one of the most effective in any theater of war. Historically, the M&M has been known to deter even the most raucous show-time talkers. Initially designed as the battlefield successor to the Junior Mint, the M&M’s hard candy shell can provide a satisfying knock when properly applied to any offending forehead. Additionally, if you’re expecting a lengthy engagement, few candies can match the shot count you can get from a box of plain M&M’s, but if you’re looking for something with some real stopping power, I would recommend the peanut. Regrettably, we do live in a terrorist age. So, when confronted with an enemy that just won’t shut up, some theater goers have resorted to using the awesome power of Buncha Crunch. When placed in a pocket, your own body heat can melt a 3.2 ounce package of Buncha Crunch in as little as three movie previews. While the accurate delivery of this product still remains an issue, few can deny the “dirty bomb” effectiveness of its melted chocolate coating. It doesn’t have the satisfying aftermath that you can get from tossing a blob of chewing gum into their hair, but it certainly does make it obvious that you’re no longer willing to discuss the matter.
Get in touch with George by e-mailing ghawrylenko@ chroniclenewsgroup.com